June is a very hard month.

The title says it all. June is a very difficult month for me. My birthday is June 7. June 14 is my dad and uncle's birthday. June 24 is my dad's death day. My dad died ten days after his birthday on June 24, 2000. My uncle (his twin) died on May 19, 2000. They both suffered massive heart attacks. My world was rocked in one month.

Sometimes, it is hard to believe that is has been 14 years. In some ways, it seems like yesterday. In others, it feels as though several lifetimes have passed. Do you know my dad never even saw me become confirmed, graduate 8th grade, graduate high school, or graduate college? He missed all of those things, and I miss him every day. Not just when the big stuff happens.

June 24, 2000 started out like any other day. My brothers and I and the neighborhood kids ran around like crazy people, playing in our pool. We ranged in age from 5-15. We always had a great time together. My dad spent the morning outside with us, but went into the house because he was tired and wanted to take a nap. My mom had called around 3:00, and my dad told her he was going to sleep. When my mom called back at 3:15, my dad was on the ground, not breathing. In a 15 minute window, he had a heart attack. My brother found him on the floor, and he was completely hysterical and devastated. I screamed for him to call 911 as my brothers and I got out of the pool. I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life.

When we finally had gotten a hold of 911, they wanted me to do CPR. My dad had foam in his mouth. I told them I couldn't do it. I was 12 years old and scared out of my mind. The 911 operator told me that it was okay, just to hold on until help could get there. They also said my mom was coming home from work. My dad had driven her to work that day, and she was stranded there. A coworker gave her a ride home. I remember feeling relieved that she was going to be there. However, when she got home, she ran across our lawn crying and yelling and I felt scared again. I knew something terrible had happened.

My mom went to the hospital with the ambulance and my brothers and I were sitting in our house, dumbfounded at what had happened. Our wonderful, amazing neighbors stayed with us to help us make phone calls and figure out what to do. My mom's parents met her at the hospital.

Our neighbors across the street, Jay and Vickie, took the three youngest boys to their house to calm down and play with the kids in order to keep them busy. My older brother and I sat with Jay after he came back and waited and worried. An hour or so later, my grandpa and grandma came into the house, looking extremely sad and upset. My grandpa sat my brothers and I at our dining room table and told us the news. "Your father is dead." I will never forget how I felt in that moment. I was sad, but I was completely heartbroken for my brothers and my mom. My grandpa told us little of the details. Just enough to hold off our questions for the night.

I had to call my dad's parents. They had just buried their son in May. And they were going to have to do it again. I remember calling my papa and he was so happy to hear my voice. I immediately choked up and couldn't talk to him. I handed the phone to our neighbor Jay, who delivered the heartbreaking news. He sat with me while I cried and continued to make phone calls to friends and family because my mom couldn't do it. My grandpa and Jay helped me do the hard things because I couldn't do it alone.

I finally sat down to eat something at about 8PM, and I ended up not eating anything and just laying with my mom while she cried. I have never felt so helpless in my life. The day we lost my dad plays over and over in my head. I always feel like I should have known or should have done something and maybe he would still be here. I know it's natural to feel guilty, but I'm just so sad about it a lot.

The next few days of funeral planning and visitation planning were hard. Family and friends try to help but what can they really say? There's nothing you can say to someone who has lost someone so dear to them. We want words to comfort and we hope words and actions do give some comfort, but it is hard to accept it at the time.

I am really sad during June. I was wondering why I have been so down lately, and I think this is part of the reason. I just really miss my dad. I miss his talking (we called him sir talks a lot), I miss his hugs, I miss his laugh, I miss his smell, I miss pretty much everything about him. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him and how much I miss having him in my life. I see so many daughters and dads and wish that I had that too. If I ever get married, I know that I will be sad knowing that he won't be there to share that day with me. Luckily I have a lot of brothers who I know would be more than willing to step in and do the daddy/daughter dance (but a brother/sister dance), but it's a special thing, the daddy/daughter relationship. I wish that I had that.

I just really, really miss him.

Mom and Dad at their wedding

Mom and dad at a dinner cruise in Chicago. 1999?

Dad and I just chillin'

Family photo before we had Zach. 

Dad and I opening presents.

Dad feeding the hungry girl

10 days before he died, my dad celebrated his birthday with all of us. This smile.

Scooby Doo cake made by our Tina.

Dad and Zach riding a horse one month before he died. I think her name was Strawberry.

 

Hard to believe that 4 people in this photo are now deceased. Uncle Rob, Julie, Chere, and Randy came to visit us the year my dad died. It was wonderful to see them. A neighbor took a picture of our whole family for us.

Dad celebrating his last Christmas. This present was a giant tool box we hid in my bedroom for 2 months.

Dad celebrating Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

Funeral announcement

Dad in high school.

Family. Maybe at Christmas? No idea. 

Dad in Colorado

Uncle Karl's wedding

Senior pictures

Toddler pictures

Dad and me muggin' for the camera.

Our family at The Monroe Diner - a family favorite place that is now out of business

Dad and Uncle Karl at the beach.

Dad and Uncle Karl at the beach again

20 year reunion 1998

It's been awhile.

When I started this blog, I had no idea what to write about. After all, there's a multitude of ridiculous and inspiring crap on the Internet right? Right. So I started writing about things while going through the alphabet. I only made it to "L" before giving up. Why did I do that? I actually really enjoyed writing these blog posts, even if no one else reads them. I like to put my thoughts down and get them in order. So, in an attempt to ease my mind, I'm going to start again, and be a blog writing girl once more.

Let's start with this: I'm all graduated! That's right. This girl worked extremely hard and managed to keep a 4.0 and graduate from college with a Master of Arts. COOL!

(Here I am, reluctantly letting my mother take a picture of me in my cap and gown before the ceremony.)

It's really funny. Imagining myself graduating with a master's degree was not something that I used to think about. In fact, I didn't even want to continue with my education. My adviser (bless her) told me that it would be a great opportunity for me. I did it. In a year and a half. Not too shabby. 

It's amazing how accomplished I felt...for a day. I felt like my life was going somewhere. I've identified myself with school for so long that it's strange to live a life without it. I have gone to school year round for the past 5 years. To go from that to having no school was (and is still) a huge adjustment for me. 

So what do I fill my time with now that I have no homework, no finals, no papers, no tests? I currently fill it with job (career) searching, family time, and watching new (and old) TV shows. Oh, and I read a lot of books now. I've read at least 1-2 books per week for the past month. I want to keep filling my head with knowledge, and I guess books are a good way to do that. Maybe I should become a book blog. Blog about my adventures with struggles to read classics (I get bored a lot) and my true love with books (young adult fiction and biographies). That's a thought. I will consider that. 

Back to the subject at hand - graduating. And feeling accomplished. And then feeling slightly worthless, like your degree has no meaning without experience. As kids, it is drilled into our brains that we need a college education to get a good job. If you don't have a college education, you're going to work a minimum wage job for the rest of your life. I want a career. I want something that makes me happy. I wish I knew what that type of job was. 

I see so many people with thousands of dollars in student loan debt who cannot find jobs. I'm so grateful that I have a job, that I'm not destitute. It's unfortunate that I feel like I'm on a time crunch because of student loan payback and how it starts 6 months after graduation. I feel like that is a lot of pressure on people who have just graduated, and have little experience. People with my degree are expected to make $60k or more in their first year on the job after graduation. To that I say...YEAH RIGHT! Funny how the world works, huh?

Sometimes, I think I went to school for the wrong thing. I also sometimes believe that I should have taken a year off to 'find myself' like some people do. Or that I would have worked harder to do a study abroad. I have a lot of 'what ifs' and 'wish I would haves' regarding schooling in general. I do an awful lot of thinking about things like that.

But you know what? It's not good to have regrets and continually wish you would have done things differently. Time to grow up and be an adult.

Until next time kids.

Let's talk about luck.

LUCK.

You know, I often hear people say to me, "You're so lucky!" when I post pictures of or explain to them about places I've gone, people I've met, and experiences I've had. I try to tell them that it isn't all luck. It takes a lot of hard work to save enough money to do these things and have these experiences. Yes, a little bit of it is luck, and being in the right place at the right time, but I also work hard for what I have and what I attempt to do in life.

I always think about The Dark Knight, and how Harvey Dent has the double-headed coin...He makes his own luck. I like to think that I do the same. I'm trying to at least. I always want to put myself in the position to succeed - and if I do, great! If not, well, it's just another failure to add to the list of learning experiences.

I have lucked out in many things in my life. I grew up in a loving family, with a mom who still lets me live at home. I have had the opportunity to not only travel extensively over the past three to four years, but I have also met some of the people that I respect and look up to the most. I have met amazing friends from around the world by simply using social media. Pretty lucky to find such amazing friends, right?

I have had my fair share of bad luck as well. As you know from previous blog entries, my dad died when I was twelve years old. Sometimes bad things happen to you and to people you love, and you just have to sit there and cry. It's okay to be sad because things don't work out or because bad things happen. I have missed out on some pretty great experiences because I haven't been able to work my life around them. It's okay that those things happened, because they always teach me something.

I am a firm believer in working hard to achieve what you want. When I see people who constantly have things handed to them, I almost feel sorry for them, because they don't know what it feels like to truly accomplish something that you have worked hard toward. They also will have no idea how to deal when a true crisis comes along. Luckily (ha there's that word again) for me, I have a lot of experience in this area.

A couple of years ago, I set some pretty unrealistic goals. I know now that they are unattainable - and that's okay. I just have to figure out how to set goals for myself and make sure they are attainable, but not too easy to get. After all, what's the point in setting goals if you don't make them attainable to you? Also, just because you set a goal, doesn't mean it will be achieved. It's a harsh reality that we live it, but we can't all be lucky enough to achieve everything we set out to do.

I think that as humans, we always are left wanting more - needing more fulfillment from life. And what exactly is a fulfilled life? So far, mine is pretty lonely when it comes to romance. And that's okay too. I guess I'm just not lucky with the 'love' thing. Maybe my time will come, and maybe it won't. I have to be able to rely on myself, you know? However, I have a pretty full life when it comes to people to love, and people who love you. In that regard, I am incredibly lucky.

This year, I have tried to really set my expectations for myself much lower. I'm still in school working on my masters degree. I'm still living in Michigan. I'm still here, even though I'm not sure what my purpose is yet. I wonder about that constantly, and whether or not my luck will change when it comes to different aspect of my life.

There's no secret to becoming or being lucky. There's no secret to being happy all the time. Everyone is on a different path of life, and I am so grateful every day that I wake up and am able to experience what life has to offer. Maybe this blog post is coming from the fact that I am still on cloud nine from what happened to me this past weekend, I'm not sure. All I know is that I want to spread the joy that I'm feeling from that moment - even when I'm sad because I definitely miss my friends that I just saw in San Diego.

Damn, do I feel lucky in this life. I have been blessed to be surrounded by people who don't only love and care about me, but they encourage me to go for my dreams and take leaps of faith. It's important to remember that luck only gets you so far. Hard work and perseverance takes you the rest of the way. What's life without a little struggle in it, anyway?

Kismet

Kismet is a word meaning fate or destiny, a predetermined course of events.

Kismet is such a lovely word, first of all. It seems so much more romantic than fate or destiny. And let's be honest...I'm a sucker for romance.

Do you believe in kismet, in fate, in destiny? That we all have a path we are destined to be on? People we are supposed to meet because of fate? That the universe is pre-decided?

I don't know if I fully believe in fate and destiny. I think that the idea behind it is pretty beautiful, that there is this set path in life that is already pre-determined. At the same time, I like to think that I maintain some sense of control over my life and where it goes.

I like making decisions and setting my own path and course. Sometimes I do wish that I had a pre-determined path in life to follow, but then I would miss out on all of my crazy adventures. 

Do I think that it's kismet that I took a lot of chances over the past few years? I don't know. That seems pretty unlikely. I had been thinking about doing new things and making changes for awhile, it just took me a bit to get to that point.

I really like the idea of romantic kismet. I like the idea that out there somewhere, there's a perfect soulmate for everyone. That somehow, along the line, fate will bring you to your one true love. Maybe it's the fairytale lover in me, the romantic in me, but you have to admit that it sounds appealing. 

I often wonder when fate or destiny will step in, or if it will. What is my destiny? What is my fate? 

I like to think I have some say in what it is...don't you? 

Journey

Ah, the journey we are on called life.

It is absolutely INCREDIBLE to me to think of the journey that I have been on during my lifetime, but especially the last two years or so. I have completely changed my life in so many different ways. In some ways, I am much more adventurous than I used to be. In others, I have become more reserved.

It's so funny to think that two years ago, I didn't really know that many people outside of my circle here in Michigan. I now have friends all over the world. How amazing is that? I feel so blessed to have found such incredible people to welcome into my life. Of course, you always have your fair share of craziness (let's face it, who doesn't?) But this journey I am on led me to these people, who for some reason, have joined my crazy life journey.

Last year, I took some chances. I met up with people I had only spoken to online and on the phone before. I made some really amazing memories with them. If I hadn't taken the chance, I wouldn't have dared to try some new things, or travel to new places by myself. Of course, I have friends or family to stay with in these new places, but traveling by yourself is an entirely rewarding experience. You're on no one's agenda but your own. It's pretty neat to decide what to do, and when you want to do it. I traveled last year to New York, Chicago, San Diego, and Los Angeles. I met some people who have changed my life in good ways. I may have FINALLY figured out what I really want to do with my life. This year, I traveled to New York City and met up with people who I just absolutely was lucky to find. I hope I can continue to feel this lucky in my life journey!

I am coming up on my 25th birthday. I always thought that I would be further along - maybe have started on my career path by now. Journeys can change. My life didn't go exactly as I planned, but that's okay. Sometimes that happens! And rewarding experiences can come out of nowhere.

I have so many amazing photos of my journey, and I am going to share a lot of them with you here. There are so many pictures I wanted to post - and even more friends that I didn't get photos with! (I'm especially talking to you, NYC crew!! Be back soon and we will take crazy pics!) And for all those friends I have yet to meet - YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE - I cannot wait to meet you. :)

You know, my last blog post was full of the sadness and insecurities I face. But I have tried to think of the good things lately, the things that make life exciting and happy. Deciding to be in a good mood can actually put you in a good mood! And lately, things have been pretty darn good.

Check out some photos after the cut:

Insecurities

I struggle daily with my insecurities.

The dictionary definition of 'insecure' 

1.      subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured

2.

not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious

3.

not secure; exposed or liable to risk, loss, or danger

4.

not firmly or reliably placed or fastened

For me, the first two definitions describe me lately, or to be more accurate, a lot of the time. I have always been insecure about myself, my body, my life. It's something that has been very hard for me to deal with.

We all have insecurities of some type. I sometimes think I have more than others. It's a really weird feeling, to feel insecure about yourself much of the time.

It's funny too, because sometimes I can feel like the most confident person in the room, but that doesn't happen very often. I'm not confident in my ability to make things happen. I have a lot of self-doubt and fear that I struggle with on a daily basis. I am not certain of my future, or even what I want to do. I am not very confident when it comes to many things in my life, including dating, looks, jobs, and feelings. Pretty much the only time I am really confident is when I'm talking about a subject I am well versed in. Other than that, my confidence is very low.

I look around me and I see so much beauty and happiness, and I doubt that I can achieve those things. You want to listen to the old cliches about how if you feel beautiful you will be beautiful, or that beauty is within. But that's just it...I don't usually feel that way. I judge myself very harshly on many different aspects of my life. I wonder why I do that. I wonder why people do that to themselves. There is no true perfection out there, someone will always find something wrong with you, what you do, how you look, whatever. 

It's hard to listen to other people try to give you advice on your insecurities. They don't just go away. And when you have made such big mistakes and let people hurt you like I have, your insecurities don't get better. They just get worse.

I try to remember that there's a bigger plan out there for me than I realize, but it's difficult. Sometimes I am sad. I try really hard to be happy every day, but it is hard when you feel down on yourself to maintain a positive and sunny personality. 

I know there's things I can do to change myself and my thoughts on my insecurities. I like to think I've been taking positive steps - like weeding out the people in my life who constantly refer back to things I am insecure about and relish these things. Basically, these are people who will use any excuse to bring me down. 

I have to be honest, it still  is hard sometimes to look in the mirror and really see myself as a beautiful person who has many opportunities ahead of her. I just don't believe it yet. I'm trying to, but it doesn't feel real. When you surround yourself with beautiful, lovely people, it can enhance your life. But it can also bring out the things that you are most insecure about as well.

This is a rambly post, so I apologize for that, but I haven't written in a few weeks. Lots to get off of my mind.

Hope

I was trying to think of something to write with the letter 'h' and couldn't come up with anything that felt right.  After stewing about it for a couple days, I kept coming back to hope.

Why do we have it? What are we hopeful for? What does hope even mean?

Well, according to the dictionary, this is the first definition under hope: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

Going by this definition, I have SO MUCH HOPE! I seriously have such big dreams and I am so full of hope that they come true, or that my dreams mold and change as I get older. Let's be honest, I'm almost 25, so I need to start figuring things out. But for now, I'm just so hopeful for the future. I truly hope that in a year and a half or so I'm graduated with my Masters degree, searching/already at my dream job, figuring out who I am and who I want to be. I hope that other people are proud of me, because I'm proud of myself.

Not even looking too far into the future, I hope that I can cross a few items off of my bucket list this year. I'm hoping to meet Darren Criss and Chris Colfer. I'm hoping to meet Andrew Rannells as well but that will be tough. I hope that I can save enough money to do all of the things that I want to do in the next year, plus more to move! I hope that in two years I'm in either New York City or LA doing something I love. I hope I can see as many Broadway shows as possible. I hope that I continue to learn as grow as a person, and that I continue to improve myself in so many ways.

I'm a hopeful nerd.

Ever seen The Hunger Games? There was a few scenes added with President Snow, and in one of them he says, "Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear."

Hope is such a cool word.