Life, or something like it: June 2014

The title says it all. June is a very difficult month for me. My birthday is June 7. June 14 is my dad and uncle's birthday. June 24 is my dad's death day. My dad died ten days after his birthday on June 24, 2000. My uncle (his twin) died on May 19, 2000. They both suffered massive heart attacks. My world was rocked in one month.

Sometimes, it is hard to believe that is has been 14 years. In some ways, it seems like yesterday. In others, it feels as though several lifetimes have passed. Do you know my dad never even saw me become confirmed, graduate 8th grade, graduate high school, or graduate college? He missed all of those things, and I miss him every day. Not just when the big stuff happens.

June 24, 2000 started out like any other day. My brothers and I and the neighborhood kids ran around like crazy people, playing in our pool. We ranged in age from 5-15. We always had a great time together. My dad spent the morning outside with us, but went into the house because he was tired and wanted to take a nap. My mom had called around 3:00, and my dad told her he was going to sleep. When my mom called back at 3:15, my dad was on the ground, not breathing. In a 15 minute window, he had a heart attack. My brother found him on the floor, and he was completely hysterical and devastated. I screamed for him to call 911 as my brothers and I got out of the pool. I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life.

When we finally had gotten a hold of 911, they wanted me to do CPR. My dad had foam in his mouth. I told them I couldn't do it. I was 12 years old and scared out of my mind. The 911 operator told me that it was okay, just to hold on until help could get there. They also said my mom was coming home from work. My dad had driven her to work that day, and she was stranded there. A coworker gave her a ride home. I remember feeling relieved that she was going to be there. However, when she got home, she ran across our lawn crying and yelling and I felt scared again. I knew something terrible had happened.

My mom went to the hospital with the ambulance and my brothers and I were sitting in our house, dumbfounded at what had happened. Our wonderful, amazing neighbors stayed with us to help us make phone calls and figure out what to do. My mom's parents met her at the hospital.

Our neighbors across the street, Jay and Vickie, took the three youngest boys to their house to calm down and play with the kids in order to keep them busy. My older brother and I sat with Jay after he came back and waited and worried. An hour or so later, my grandpa and grandma came into the house, looking extremely sad and upset. My grandpa sat my brothers and I at our dining room table and told us the news. "Your father is dead." I will never forget how I felt in that moment. I was sad, but I was completely heartbroken for my brothers and my mom. My grandpa told us little of the details. Just enough to hold off our questions for the night.

I had to call my dad's parents. They had just buried their son in May. And they were going to have to do it again. I remember calling my papa and he was so happy to hear my voice. I immediately choked up and couldn't talk to him. I handed the phone to our neighbor Jay, who delivered the heartbreaking news. He sat with me while I cried and continued to make phone calls to friends and family because my mom couldn't do it. My grandpa and Jay helped me do the hard things because I couldn't do it alone.

I finally sat down to eat something at about 8PM, and I ended up not eating anything and just laying with my mom while she cried. I have never felt so helpless in my life. The day we lost my dad plays over and over in my head. I always feel like I should have known or should have done something and maybe he would still be here. I know it's natural to feel guilty, but I'm just so sad about it a lot.

The next few days of funeral planning and visitation planning were hard. Family and friends try to help but what can they really say? There's nothing you can say to someone who has lost someone so dear to them. We want words to comfort and we hope words and actions do give some comfort, but it is hard to accept it at the time.

I am really sad during June. I was wondering why I have been so down lately, and I think this is part of the reason. I just really miss my dad. I miss his talking (we called him sir talks a lot), I miss his hugs, I miss his laugh, I miss his smell, I miss pretty much everything about him. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him and how much I miss having him in my life. I see so many daughters and dads and wish that I had that too. If I ever get married, I know that I will be sad knowing that he won't be there to share that day with me. Luckily I have a lot of brothers who I know would be more than willing to step in and do the daddy/daughter dance (but a brother/sister dance), but it's a special thing, the daddy/daughter relationship. I wish that I had that.

I just really, really miss him.

Mom and Dad at their wedding

Mom and dad at a dinner cruise in Chicago. 1999?

Dad and I just chillin'

Family photo before we had Zach.

Dad and I opening presents.

Dad feeding the hungry girl

10 days before he died, my dad celebrated his birthday with all of us. This smile.

Scooby Doo cake made by our Tina.

Dad and Zach riding a horse one month before he died. I think her name was Strawberry.

Hard to believe that 4 people in this photo are now deceased. Uncle Rob, Julie, Chere, and Randy came to visit us the year my dad died. It was wonderful to see them. A neighbor took a picture of our whole family for us.