Let's talk about luck.

LUCK.

You know, I often hear people say to me, "You're so lucky!" when I post pictures of or explain to them about places I've gone, people I've met, and experiences I've had. I try to tell them that it isn't all luck. It takes a lot of hard work to save enough money to do these things and have these experiences. Yes, a little bit of it is luck, and being in the right place at the right time, but I also work hard for what I have and what I attempt to do in life.

I always think about The Dark Knight, and how Harvey Dent has the double-headed coin...He makes his own luck. I like to think that I do the same. I'm trying to at least. I always want to put myself in the position to succeed - and if I do, great! If not, well, it's just another failure to add to the list of learning experiences.

I have lucked out in many things in my life. I grew up in a loving family, with a mom who still lets me live at home. I have had the opportunity to not only travel extensively over the past three to four years, but I have also met some of the people that I respect and look up to the most. I have met amazing friends from around the world by simply using social media. Pretty lucky to find such amazing friends, right?

I have had my fair share of bad luck as well. As you know from previous blog entries, my dad died when I was twelve years old. Sometimes bad things happen to you and to people you love, and you just have to sit there and cry. It's okay to be sad because things don't work out or because bad things happen. I have missed out on some pretty great experiences because I haven't been able to work my life around them. It's okay that those things happened, because they always teach me something.

I am a firm believer in working hard to achieve what you want. When I see people who constantly have things handed to them, I almost feel sorry for them, because they don't know what it feels like to truly accomplish something that you have worked hard toward. They also will have no idea how to deal when a true crisis comes along. Luckily (ha there's that word again) for me, I have a lot of experience in this area.

A couple of years ago, I set some pretty unrealistic goals. I know now that they are unattainable - and that's okay. I just have to figure out how to set goals for myself and make sure they are attainable, but not too easy to get. After all, what's the point in setting goals if you don't make them attainable to you? Also, just because you set a goal, doesn't mean it will be achieved. It's a harsh reality that we live it, but we can't all be lucky enough to achieve everything we set out to do.

I think that as humans, we always are left wanting more - needing more fulfillment from life. And what exactly is a fulfilled life? So far, mine is pretty lonely when it comes to romance. And that's okay too. I guess I'm just not lucky with the 'love' thing. Maybe my time will come, and maybe it won't. I have to be able to rely on myself, you know? However, I have a pretty full life when it comes to people to love, and people who love you. In that regard, I am incredibly lucky.

This year, I have tried to really set my expectations for myself much lower. I'm still in school working on my masters degree. I'm still living in Michigan. I'm still here, even though I'm not sure what my purpose is yet. I wonder about that constantly, and whether or not my luck will change when it comes to different aspect of my life.

There's no secret to becoming or being lucky. There's no secret to being happy all the time. Everyone is on a different path of life, and I am so grateful every day that I wake up and am able to experience what life has to offer. Maybe this blog post is coming from the fact that I am still on cloud nine from what happened to me this past weekend, I'm not sure. All I know is that I want to spread the joy that I'm feeling from that moment - even when I'm sad because I definitely miss my friends that I just saw in San Diego.

Damn, do I feel lucky in this life. I have been blessed to be surrounded by people who don't only love and care about me, but they encourage me to go for my dreams and take leaps of faith. It's important to remember that luck only gets you so far. Hard work and perseverance takes you the rest of the way. What's life without a little struggle in it, anyway?

Kismet

Kismet is a word meaning fate or destiny, a predetermined course of events.

Kismet is such a lovely word, first of all. It seems so much more romantic than fate or destiny. And let's be honest...I'm a sucker for romance.

Do you believe in kismet, in fate, in destiny? That we all have a path we are destined to be on? People we are supposed to meet because of fate? That the universe is pre-decided?

I don't know if I fully believe in fate and destiny. I think that the idea behind it is pretty beautiful, that there is this set path in life that is already pre-determined. At the same time, I like to think that I maintain some sense of control over my life and where it goes.

I like making decisions and setting my own path and course. Sometimes I do wish that I had a pre-determined path in life to follow, but then I would miss out on all of my crazy adventures. 

Do I think that it's kismet that I took a lot of chances over the past few years? I don't know. That seems pretty unlikely. I had been thinking about doing new things and making changes for awhile, it just took me a bit to get to that point.

I really like the idea of romantic kismet. I like the idea that out there somewhere, there's a perfect soulmate for everyone. That somehow, along the line, fate will bring you to your one true love. Maybe it's the fairytale lover in me, the romantic in me, but you have to admit that it sounds appealing. 

I often wonder when fate or destiny will step in, or if it will. What is my destiny? What is my fate? 

I like to think I have some say in what it is...don't you? 

Journey

Ah, the journey we are on called life.

It is absolutely INCREDIBLE to me to think of the journey that I have been on during my lifetime, but especially the last two years or so. I have completely changed my life in so many different ways. In some ways, I am much more adventurous than I used to be. In others, I have become more reserved.

It's so funny to think that two years ago, I didn't really know that many people outside of my circle here in Michigan. I now have friends all over the world. How amazing is that? I feel so blessed to have found such incredible people to welcome into my life. Of course, you always have your fair share of craziness (let's face it, who doesn't?) But this journey I am on led me to these people, who for some reason, have joined my crazy life journey.

Last year, I took some chances. I met up with people I had only spoken to online and on the phone before. I made some really amazing memories with them. If I hadn't taken the chance, I wouldn't have dared to try some new things, or travel to new places by myself. Of course, I have friends or family to stay with in these new places, but traveling by yourself is an entirely rewarding experience. You're on no one's agenda but your own. It's pretty neat to decide what to do, and when you want to do it. I traveled last year to New York, Chicago, San Diego, and Los Angeles. I met some people who have changed my life in good ways. I may have FINALLY figured out what I really want to do with my life. This year, I traveled to New York City and met up with people who I just absolutely was lucky to find. I hope I can continue to feel this lucky in my life journey!

I am coming up on my 25th birthday. I always thought that I would be further along - maybe have started on my career path by now. Journeys can change. My life didn't go exactly as I planned, but that's okay. Sometimes that happens! And rewarding experiences can come out of nowhere.

I have so many amazing photos of my journey, and I am going to share a lot of them with you here. There are so many pictures I wanted to post - and even more friends that I didn't get photos with! (I'm especially talking to you, NYC crew!! Be back soon and we will take crazy pics!) And for all those friends I have yet to meet - YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE - I cannot wait to meet you. :)

You know, my last blog post was full of the sadness and insecurities I face. But I have tried to think of the good things lately, the things that make life exciting and happy. Deciding to be in a good mood can actually put you in a good mood! And lately, things have been pretty darn good.

Check out some photos after the cut:

Insecurities

I struggle daily with my insecurities.

The dictionary definition of 'insecure' 

1.      subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured

2.

not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious

3.

not secure; exposed or liable to risk, loss, or danger

4.

not firmly or reliably placed or fastened

For me, the first two definitions describe me lately, or to be more accurate, a lot of the time. I have always been insecure about myself, my body, my life. It's something that has been very hard for me to deal with.

We all have insecurities of some type. I sometimes think I have more than others. It's a really weird feeling, to feel insecure about yourself much of the time.

It's funny too, because sometimes I can feel like the most confident person in the room, but that doesn't happen very often. I'm not confident in my ability to make things happen. I have a lot of self-doubt and fear that I struggle with on a daily basis. I am not certain of my future, or even what I want to do. I am not very confident when it comes to many things in my life, including dating, looks, jobs, and feelings. Pretty much the only time I am really confident is when I'm talking about a subject I am well versed in. Other than that, my confidence is very low.

I look around me and I see so much beauty and happiness, and I doubt that I can achieve those things. You want to listen to the old cliches about how if you feel beautiful you will be beautiful, or that beauty is within. But that's just it...I don't usually feel that way. I judge myself very harshly on many different aspects of my life. I wonder why I do that. I wonder why people do that to themselves. There is no true perfection out there, someone will always find something wrong with you, what you do, how you look, whatever. 

It's hard to listen to other people try to give you advice on your insecurities. They don't just go away. And when you have made such big mistakes and let people hurt you like I have, your insecurities don't get better. They just get worse.

I try to remember that there's a bigger plan out there for me than I realize, but it's difficult. Sometimes I am sad. I try really hard to be happy every day, but it is hard when you feel down on yourself to maintain a positive and sunny personality. 

I know there's things I can do to change myself and my thoughts on my insecurities. I like to think I've been taking positive steps - like weeding out the people in my life who constantly refer back to things I am insecure about and relish these things. Basically, these are people who will use any excuse to bring me down. 

I have to be honest, it still  is hard sometimes to look in the mirror and really see myself as a beautiful person who has many opportunities ahead of her. I just don't believe it yet. I'm trying to, but it doesn't feel real. When you surround yourself with beautiful, lovely people, it can enhance your life. But it can also bring out the things that you are most insecure about as well.

This is a rambly post, so I apologize for that, but I haven't written in a few weeks. Lots to get off of my mind.

Hope

I was trying to think of something to write with the letter 'h' and couldn't come up with anything that felt right.  After stewing about it for a couple days, I kept coming back to hope.

Why do we have it? What are we hopeful for? What does hope even mean?

Well, according to the dictionary, this is the first definition under hope: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

Going by this definition, I have SO MUCH HOPE! I seriously have such big dreams and I am so full of hope that they come true, or that my dreams mold and change as I get older. Let's be honest, I'm almost 25, so I need to start figuring things out. But for now, I'm just so hopeful for the future. I truly hope that in a year and a half or so I'm graduated with my Masters degree, searching/already at my dream job, figuring out who I am and who I want to be. I hope that other people are proud of me, because I'm proud of myself.

Not even looking too far into the future, I hope that I can cross a few items off of my bucket list this year. I'm hoping to meet Darren Criss and Chris Colfer. I'm hoping to meet Andrew Rannells as well but that will be tough. I hope that I can save enough money to do all of the things that I want to do in the next year, plus more to move! I hope that in two years I'm in either New York City or LA doing something I love. I hope I can see as many Broadway shows as possible. I hope that I continue to learn as grow as a person, and that I continue to improve myself in so many ways.

I'm a hopeful nerd.

Ever seen The Hunger Games? There was a few scenes added with President Snow, and in one of them he says, "Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear."

Hope is such a cool word.

Don't stop believin'

G is for... GLEE!

Now, before you start cracking up at me for liking this TV show, give me a chance to explain.

So I have gone the past 3 years disliking Glee. I thought it was the most ridiculous, contrived television show. I thought that it was overly preachy and disappointing. I had attempted to watch the pilot, but couldn't get through it. I watched 3 episodes in season 3, which were The First Time, Extraordinary Merry Christmas, and Big Brother. I watched all of these knowing about the characters and the basic premise of the show, but I just wasn't interested. However, I did have quite a few Glee covers downloaded on my iTunes. I loved the songs by the Warblers. I already loved Darren Criss before he was on Glee, but I couldn't bring myself to even watch the show.

So last August I went to California and stayed with a friend who sometimes works on Glee. And I hate to say that I was kind of mean about Glee, I said it was a ridiculous show. She told me to just give a chance, that season 4 was going to be really good. I told her no way...and then I started watching it.

This is a breakdown of how it went:

Season 4 Episode 1 - The New Rachel. - Oh my gosh I can't believe I'm actually sitting here watching this show. I know I said I would give it a shot but ugh it is so ridiculous. Hey look Darren's singing, I love him. Cool. Ugh this show. I really like that reunion at the end of Kurt/Rachel though (oh hey I will just go download Call Me Maybe, New York State of Mind and It's Time)

Season 4 Episode 2 - Britney 2.0 - UGH seriously a Britney Spears episode? Okay Darren and Kevin McHale I can get behind this. (Hurries to download the songs from the episode)

Season 4 Episode 3 - Makeover - SERIOUSLY WITH THESE RIDICULOUS FACES? What is even happening? No I love Blaine with bowties. This is silly. Why am I watching this show again? Oh hey SJP I love her. WHAT IS FINN DOING IN NEW YORK? Okay I'm giving this one more week. (Hurries to download songs again - fears I'm getting sucked in even though I only said one more week.)

Season 4 Episode 4 - The Break Up - (Before the episode I downloaded Teenage Dream acoustic and cried, it's okay.) Okay so we don't know why Finn is in New York right? Oh he shot himself in the leg okay. Hey why's Blaine talking to someone else he's with Kurt. Wait NO. I love Barely Breathing but this is wrong.  Okay Kurt and Rachel going to a bar with Finn...HEY BLAINE'S IN NEW YORK! So he didn't cheat right? I have to download Give Your Heart a Break ASAP. I'm crying because of Blaine and Kurt what is happening to me? How did I get so invested? Why am I crying? Why would someone break up every couple on the show?

Then you know what happened? A four week hiatus. I knew it. I was sucked in. So I watched 2 seasons of Glee in 2 1/2 days. I literally did nothing but watch Glee and download the songs. I found people online who loved Glee just as much as me. After I finished season 1&2, Netflix didn't have sesaon 3 so I had to go buy it...and I finished it in 2 days. So I watched 3 seasons in 4 1/2 days. That is INSANE and ridiculous. I realize how crazy I seem. Then, because the show was still on hiatus, I continued to watch and download my favorite episodes so that I could get my Glee fix. It is like crack for me. I couldn't get enough, and I still can't get enough. I'm in the middle of a re-watch RIGHT NOW. What the what?

However, this show honestly just spoke to me on so many levels. I found out how much I love the storylines (even when they don't make sense) and the characters. I love these actors so much. I completely fell in love with Chris Colfer and Mike O'Malley as one of the best depictions of a father/son relationship on television. (Furt is one of my favorite episodes. I just always skip the parts with Sue and her ridiculous wedding.) I became a huge fan of Kurt and Blaine and their relationship. It was testing the boundaries of television and I loved it.

Is it preachy? Yes. Is it ridiculous? Absolutely. Does it make me feel? YES! More often than I want to admit unfortunately. Don't Stop Believin' brings me to tears. Teenage Dream does as well. The recent Shooting Star episode brought me to tears. Glee doesn't always have the strongest acting, but when it does..wow.

I used to hate Ryan Murphy. Now, I love him, even when I hate him. I know that at the end of the day, he's going to do the show he wants to do, no matter what anyone else thinks. How can you not admire that? Plus he created one of my other favorite shows, The New Normal. I will always be grateful for that.

So in conclusion... I love Glee. And to be honest, I really don't care if you don't like it. Because it makes me happy, that's what matters.

Family

F is for...
Family.

Family is one of the most important things in my life. I truly, honestly, love my family more than anything. I have some of the craziest family members ever, but I love them so much. Because without them, I would really be nothing.

My mom has supported me 100% all the time in everything that I do. I'm lucky to have a mom that fully believes in my dreams. She supports me moving to New York or LA - as long as it is what I want to do. She always tell me that I might as well try to do things. After all, experience is still experience right?

My brothers are pretty supportive too. My littlest brother and my sister don't really know much about it, but they want me to be happy, and that's what is important.

My brothers and my sister, even when I'm mad at them, are still some of my favorite people in the world. When it comes down to it, we are there for each other.

My aunts and uncles and cousins are so wonderful and I love them. My grandparents are great. I wish I could explain to you in words just what family means to me. I think pictures will do a better job.

And friends are family you choose for yourself.

So to see some of my family - check it out after the jump. Unfortunately there isn't enough room in the entire world to show how many pictures I have of my family.

I get so emotional.

Emotional.
What a word.

What do you get emotional over? For me, it seems as though it is anything lately. I get emotional over people, places, things, experiences...but it is okay. I get emotional thinking about certain things. The other night I was emotional over my dad's death. Today, it was a scene that I found chilling and haunting from a TV show. They are different ranges of emotions and for different reasons, but I'm glad I can feel.

Emotions are okay. It is okay to feel something and react to it. If we don't show any emotion, things get bottled up. And when they get bottled up, sometimes they explode.

I have seen this happen to too many people and I used to do it to myself. Now, I just let myself feel. I give in to the emotion. 

Why is it seen as such a bad thing to be emotional? Doesn't it just mean that you care? Where did this stigma come from? Why is it so bad? Why do I have so many questions? I don't know.

All I know is that I kind of like being emotional and feeling things.

I'm not afraid to feel and react. I try to be rational but unfortunately that doesn't always happen when someone is emotional. I also think that there is a definite difference between 'emotional' and 'overemotional' ... so as with everything else, a healthy balance is needed.

“I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” 
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Love without end, amen.

Father's day is a tough day for me.

My dad died when I was 12, and it's something that has really shaped me as a person. I learned how to deal with death (even more so than when my uncle passed away the month before). I learned how to take care of a family. I learned how to be a pillar of strength. I learned how to cry and hold things in when no one else was looking. I learned how tough it is to be tough for everyone else.

Writing this is even hard for me. When I see or hear people talking about their dad, it makes me sad. I miss mine. I often wonder what he would think of me if he was here right now. If you want to know what the worst part of this is? That I don't even remember that much about him. It's funny, because yes I was a little older, but that didn't seem to help me remember. I know people claim to remember so many things..but I don't.

I remember that my dad liked to talk. A lot. He also was big on going to church and having breakfast after going to church. I remember that he was a master at discipline. I remember that one of his favorite movies was Grease. He also loved Forrest Gump. He (secretly) loved Jewel. He worked at a bank, and then at a mobile home park. My dad was a man who loved his family very fiercely, but he did have his problems with them.

It's funny how I can't remember so many things. But I remember some silly, specific things, like getting ice cream after softball games.

It's funny how I remember some things so clearly, like the day he died. How my grandpa sat my brothers and I down and told us. How I was in shock, but more worried about my brothers than myself. How I sat with my mom for hours because we didn't know what to do. How lost I felt in those moments. And how one of my friends ran all the home from St. Charles to come and sit and cry with me. To this day, I hope she knows how much that meant to me. How my neighbors stepped up to the plate and took care of us when we didn't know what else to do. How my life changed in one day.

It makes me so sad when I see people who say they hate their parents. I always wonder if I would feel the same way if my dad hadn't died.

It makes me sad that one day, should I get married, my dad won't be there to walk me down the aisle. Luckily, I have five brothers..but still.

I just miss my dad.

You know?

(D is for Dad, if you couldn't tell.)

Lady bugs can't all be ladies...

Chuck.

When some people say that name, they have no idea what it means to me now, or what it meant to me in the past.

Well friends, C is for Chuck. Chuck is one of those TV shows I just fell completely in love with. I hadn't loved a show like that since Friends, Boy Meets World, or Home Improvement. Everything about Chuck was great to me. I loved that they had a Buy More and a Nerd Herd instead of Best Buy and a Geek Squad. I fell in love with the goofy leading man, his best friend, sister, and her boyfriend. I fell in love with the spy and the NSA agent who were there to protect Chuck.

Have you ever seen this show? Seriously, it is a must watch. Chuck changed my life. I joined Twitter one day on a whim, and I've never looked back. I have found some of the most incredible friends just from watching the same television show. That's powerful to me...incredibly powerful. I went to SDCC (San Diego Comic Con) last year with people I had never even met in person before, I had only spoken with them online because of Chuck. I found some of my favorite bands from Chuck. (Seriously, they had some of the BEST music!)

Season 1 and 2 were the best, with 3 also being pretty decent. Season 4 and 5 are okay, they have their moments, but the magical stuff is in the first two seasons. The writing was great, the budget was there, the actors were at the top of their game. To this day, I can't watch the finale without crying. As many problems as I had with the last two seasons, it was still Chuck. It still made me happy.

It's strange to think how much one small thing (like a TV show) can change you and your life. Well, I can honestly say that things would have been so different. I never would have tried for a Big Bang Theory ticket to attend a taping (because I didn't believe it was even possible at the time). I never would have traveled by myself to Los Angeles and stayed with people I had just met the month before. I never would have opened myself up to new opportunities like that. Or maybe I would have. Who knows?

All I really know is that I'm glad I turned on NBC to watch Chuck. I'm glad I turned to Twitter and found other people who had the passion and love for Chuck like I did. I'm eternally grateful that I found (what I believe to be) lifelong friendships. How lucky is that?

B is for...

"B" is for bowtie.

Bowties have become one of my favorite things in the world. I fell in love with them on celebrities during award shows. However, there is a much bigger reason for me to love bowties now.

I am a huge supporter of same sex marriage and really just same sex rights. I don't understand how gay people getting married harms straight people, or the institution of marriage. Doesn't divorce do enough of that?

Anyway, Jesse Tyler Ferguson (currently seen on Modern Family) and his fiance Justin Mikita started a foundation called Tie the Knot. I am proud to say that I bought on of the bowties on the first day they were on sale. Now, they aren't normally a girly thing, but come on, fashion knows no gender! I am so proud to support this cause, and my bowtie makes me happy. Just looking at it, knowing that some of my money goes to making a difference...this is something that I love.

And why shouldn't you support something you love and believe in 100%?

Taking the A to Z challenge

I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a writer. In fact, it is one of my weak points. However, I have wanted to start a blog for a long time. I need to figure out what I really want it to 'be' if you know what I mean.

So, my friend Ashley encouraged me, and here I am. I'm going to do the A to Z challenge, and hopefully once I'm done I will have some sort of idea of what I want my blog to become. But for now, here goes nothing.

The first thing I have to decide is what to write about the letter A. What is the first thing I think of?

Airplanes.

Yes. Airplanes.

I love to travel. Everything about it. The packing, the excitement leading up to it, the plane ride to my destination...everything. Travel inspires me. If I could travel forever, I would. There's nothing like the feeling of going somewhere new. Similarly, there's nothing like the feeling of going back to some place that you love.  I am going back to Los Angeles in three and a half weeks, and I can hardly wait to be back in the sunshine state, in an area that I love, with people that I can't wait to see, doing something that I love.

Yes. There's nothing like airplanes and travel.