Kismet

Kismet is a word meaning fate or destiny, a predetermined course of events.

Kismet is such a lovely word, first of all. It seems so much more romantic than fate or destiny. And let's be honest...I'm a sucker for romance.

Do you believe in kismet, in fate, in destiny? That we all have a path we are destined to be on? People we are supposed to meet because of fate? That the universe is pre-decided?

I don't know if I fully believe in fate and destiny. I think that the idea behind it is pretty beautiful, that there is this set path in life that is already pre-determined. At the same time, I like to think that I maintain some sense of control over my life and where it goes.

I like making decisions and setting my own path and course. Sometimes I do wish that I had a pre-determined path in life to follow, but then I would miss out on all of my crazy adventures. 

Do I think that it's kismet that I took a lot of chances over the past few years? I don't know. That seems pretty unlikely. I had been thinking about doing new things and making changes for awhile, it just took me a bit to get to that point.

I really like the idea of romantic kismet. I like the idea that out there somewhere, there's a perfect soulmate for everyone. That somehow, along the line, fate will bring you to your one true love. Maybe it's the fairytale lover in me, the romantic in me, but you have to admit that it sounds appealing. 

I often wonder when fate or destiny will step in, or if it will. What is my destiny? What is my fate? 

I like to think I have some say in what it is...don't you? 

Journey

Ah, the journey we are on called life.

It is absolutely INCREDIBLE to me to think of the journey that I have been on during my lifetime, but especially the last two years or so. I have completely changed my life in so many different ways. In some ways, I am much more adventurous than I used to be. In others, I have become more reserved.

It's so funny to think that two years ago, I didn't really know that many people outside of my circle here in Michigan. I now have friends all over the world. How amazing is that? I feel so blessed to have found such incredible people to welcome into my life. Of course, you always have your fair share of craziness (let's face it, who doesn't?) But this journey I am on led me to these people, who for some reason, have joined my crazy life journey.

Last year, I took some chances. I met up with people I had only spoken to online and on the phone before. I made some really amazing memories with them. If I hadn't taken the chance, I wouldn't have dared to try some new things, or travel to new places by myself. Of course, I have friends or family to stay with in these new places, but traveling by yourself is an entirely rewarding experience. You're on no one's agenda but your own. It's pretty neat to decide what to do, and when you want to do it. I traveled last year to New York, Chicago, San Diego, and Los Angeles. I met some people who have changed my life in good ways. I may have FINALLY figured out what I really want to do with my life. This year, I traveled to New York City and met up with people who I just absolutely was lucky to find. I hope I can continue to feel this lucky in my life journey!

I am coming up on my 25th birthday. I always thought that I would be further along - maybe have started on my career path by now. Journeys can change. My life didn't go exactly as I planned, but that's okay. Sometimes that happens! And rewarding experiences can come out of nowhere.

I have so many amazing photos of my journey, and I am going to share a lot of them with you here. There are so many pictures I wanted to post - and even more friends that I didn't get photos with! (I'm especially talking to you, NYC crew!! Be back soon and we will take crazy pics!) And for all those friends I have yet to meet - YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE - I cannot wait to meet you. :)

You know, my last blog post was full of the sadness and insecurities I face. But I have tried to think of the good things lately, the things that make life exciting and happy. Deciding to be in a good mood can actually put you in a good mood! And lately, things have been pretty darn good.

Check out some photos after the cut:

Insecurities

I struggle daily with my insecurities.

The dictionary definition of 'insecure' 

1.      subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured

2.

not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious

3.

not secure; exposed or liable to risk, loss, or danger

4.

not firmly or reliably placed or fastened

For me, the first two definitions describe me lately, or to be more accurate, a lot of the time. I have always been insecure about myself, my body, my life. It's something that has been very hard for me to deal with.

We all have insecurities of some type. I sometimes think I have more than others. It's a really weird feeling, to feel insecure about yourself much of the time.

It's funny too, because sometimes I can feel like the most confident person in the room, but that doesn't happen very often. I'm not confident in my ability to make things happen. I have a lot of self-doubt and fear that I struggle with on a daily basis. I am not certain of my future, or even what I want to do. I am not very confident when it comes to many things in my life, including dating, looks, jobs, and feelings. Pretty much the only time I am really confident is when I'm talking about a subject I am well versed in. Other than that, my confidence is very low.

I look around me and I see so much beauty and happiness, and I doubt that I can achieve those things. You want to listen to the old cliches about how if you feel beautiful you will be beautiful, or that beauty is within. But that's just it...I don't usually feel that way. I judge myself very harshly on many different aspects of my life. I wonder why I do that. I wonder why people do that to themselves. There is no true perfection out there, someone will always find something wrong with you, what you do, how you look, whatever. 

It's hard to listen to other people try to give you advice on your insecurities. They don't just go away. And when you have made such big mistakes and let people hurt you like I have, your insecurities don't get better. They just get worse.

I try to remember that there's a bigger plan out there for me than I realize, but it's difficult. Sometimes I am sad. I try really hard to be happy every day, but it is hard when you feel down on yourself to maintain a positive and sunny personality. 

I know there's things I can do to change myself and my thoughts on my insecurities. I like to think I've been taking positive steps - like weeding out the people in my life who constantly refer back to things I am insecure about and relish these things. Basically, these are people who will use any excuse to bring me down. 

I have to be honest, it still  is hard sometimes to look in the mirror and really see myself as a beautiful person who has many opportunities ahead of her. I just don't believe it yet. I'm trying to, but it doesn't feel real. When you surround yourself with beautiful, lovely people, it can enhance your life. But it can also bring out the things that you are most insecure about as well.

This is a rambly post, so I apologize for that, but I haven't written in a few weeks. Lots to get off of my mind.