Insecurities

I struggle daily with my insecurities.

The dictionary definition of 'insecure' 

1.      subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured

2.

not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious

3.

not secure; exposed or liable to risk, loss, or danger

4.

not firmly or reliably placed or fastened

For me, the first two definitions describe me lately, or to be more accurate, a lot of the time. I have always been insecure about myself, my body, my life. It's something that has been very hard for me to deal with.

We all have insecurities of some type. I sometimes think I have more than others. It's a really weird feeling, to feel insecure about yourself much of the time.

It's funny too, because sometimes I can feel like the most confident person in the room, but that doesn't happen very often. I'm not confident in my ability to make things happen. I have a lot of self-doubt and fear that I struggle with on a daily basis. I am not certain of my future, or even what I want to do. I am not very confident when it comes to many things in my life, including dating, looks, jobs, and feelings. Pretty much the only time I am really confident is when I'm talking about a subject I am well versed in. Other than that, my confidence is very low.

I look around me and I see so much beauty and happiness, and I doubt that I can achieve those things. You want to listen to the old cliches about how if you feel beautiful you will be beautiful, or that beauty is within. But that's just it...I don't usually feel that way. I judge myself very harshly on many different aspects of my life. I wonder why I do that. I wonder why people do that to themselves. There is no true perfection out there, someone will always find something wrong with you, what you do, how you look, whatever. 

It's hard to listen to other people try to give you advice on your insecurities. They don't just go away. And when you have made such big mistakes and let people hurt you like I have, your insecurities don't get better. They just get worse.

I try to remember that there's a bigger plan out there for me than I realize, but it's difficult. Sometimes I am sad. I try really hard to be happy every day, but it is hard when you feel down on yourself to maintain a positive and sunny personality. 

I know there's things I can do to change myself and my thoughts on my insecurities. I like to think I've been taking positive steps - like weeding out the people in my life who constantly refer back to things I am insecure about and relish these things. Basically, these are people who will use any excuse to bring me down. 

I have to be honest, it still  is hard sometimes to look in the mirror and really see myself as a beautiful person who has many opportunities ahead of her. I just don't believe it yet. I'm trying to, but it doesn't feel real. When you surround yourself with beautiful, lovely people, it can enhance your life. But it can also bring out the things that you are most insecure about as well.

This is a rambly post, so I apologize for that, but I haven't written in a few weeks. Lots to get off of my mind.