Love without end, amen.

Father's day is a tough day for me.

My dad died when I was 12, and it's something that has really shaped me as a person. I learned how to deal with death (even more so than when my uncle passed away the month before). I learned how to take care of a family. I learned how to be a pillar of strength. I learned how to cry and hold things in when no one else was looking. I learned how tough it is to be tough for everyone else.

Writing this is even hard for me. When I see or hear people talking about their dad, it makes me sad. I miss mine. I often wonder what he would think of me if he was here right now. If you want to know what the worst part of this is? That I don't even remember that much about him. It's funny, because yes I was a little older, but that didn't seem to help me remember. I know people claim to remember so many things..but I don't.

I remember that my dad liked to talk. A lot. He also was big on going to church and having breakfast after going to church. I remember that he was a master at discipline. I remember that one of his favorite movies was Grease. He also loved Forrest Gump. He (secretly) loved Jewel. He worked at a bank, and then at a mobile home park. My dad was a man who loved his family very fiercely, but he did have his problems with them.

It's funny how I can't remember so many things. But I remember some silly, specific things, like getting ice cream after softball games.

It's funny how I remember some things so clearly, like the day he died. How my grandpa sat my brothers and I down and told us. How I was in shock, but more worried about my brothers than myself. How I sat with my mom for hours because we didn't know what to do. How lost I felt in those moments. And how one of my friends ran all the home from St. Charles to come and sit and cry with me. To this day, I hope she knows how much that meant to me. How my neighbors stepped up to the plate and took care of us when we didn't know what else to do. How my life changed in one day.

It makes me so sad when I see people who say they hate their parents. I always wonder if I would feel the same way if my dad hadn't died.

It makes me sad that one day, should I get married, my dad won't be there to walk me down the aisle. Luckily, I have five brothers..but still.

I just miss my dad.

You know?

(D is for Dad, if you couldn't tell.)