2015 so far

Sometimes it is hard to blog. I never know what to write about. But right now - I would like to write about the big changes that have happened in my life in 2015. I started a new job! This was a whole new territory for me... A new full time position in a new city where I don't really know anyone. 

You know that terrified feeling you get when you think you made a big mistake? That's how I was feeling at first. My new job is extremely different from everything that I have ever known. I took a chance on a new company - and I'm looking to build a career. So far, it seems as though there is a lot of opportunity to learn, grow, and develop myself as a person and employee. I know that I can be incredibly hard on myself, and this has proved to be something that I definitely need to work on. I'm so used to not being the best that I don't take the time to appreciate the things I do well. I need to learn to be more accepting of myself as I am. Pushing for perfection can be so exhausting and bad for me. I want to be great, but not at the expense of my mental and physical health. 

The job/career isn't the only change I have made in 2015. Because of this life changing event, I have met some of the most incredible people who have become some of the most amazing friends. I feel so fortunate to have started this journey with so many wonderful people who I am proud to know and love. I'm so happy to know these people who have impacted my life in such a positive way. I could go on for days about how much they have helped me and brought me out of my shell socially. I have to admit, starting a new position was scary, but these amazing individuals made it not so scary. The friends I made from the beginning are absolutely amazing.

Now, I've been with my final destination team for a little over a month. It has been another new experience, but everyone has been so welcoming and it's just been amazing. I have never been a part of a group of people who genuinely care about me and want to help me succeed. It's truly a great feeling to know that people care that much! These are people in my life who didn't even really know me until a few weeks ago. Now, they are there every single day, pushing me to be the best version of myself, answering questions, and offering support. So incredible.

Other things have changed too. My brother Zach just moved to Alabama yesterday. He's one of my very best friends, so adjusting to this move is gonna be tough for me. Several of my friends have become new parents, found out they are going to be parents, and are getting married. I couldn't be more excited for the changes in the lives of my friends. 

I'm going to New York in a few weeks and I am so excited. I'm going to see two of my favorite people act on Broadway. It's my only vacation that I have planned for this year, but I may have something else up my sleeve...

I feel like 2015 is going to continue to be a year of changes for me. Maybe I will do something crazy, or maybe I won't. Maybe I will travel to someplace new, or maybe I will stay put. The best part is that the future is wide open. I just have to continue to embrace the change and not be afraid to take chances. 

Check out some of my year below: 

September 2014

This is what has been happening in my life, other than Younique:

Searching for new positions. Looking for an outlet in life. Trying to succeed.

I spend a lot of time lately soul-searching and wondering why I do things. Why do I even try? What good does it do? I am very easily discouraged in a lot of different aspects of my life and I'm not exactly sure why that is. How do you learn to be positive and excited about life? How can you stay encouraged even in the face of adversity? I'm so tired of being the strong one for everyone else. I can't even be strong for myself. I am just having a really hard time.

Sometimes, I find something that I am passionate about and I want to share that with others. When I share it, it seems like no one cares. That's something that bothers me, because I am the first one to share in your excitement  for something else, whether it is a life event or just a regular day. Why is that? I sometimes wonder why I do anything at all for other people. Sometimes I just want to be selfish.

Anyway, rant over.

I have been looking to move out of state for a long time, and I would like to find a way to make that happen. Ideas?

News

I joined Younique as a presenter this past weekend and I am hopeful that it will be a success for me. I am working hard to promote my business the best that I can. It's only my second day. Hopefully things pick up and I can gain some momentum. Having high hopes is not a bad thing.

Younique Site

June is a very hard month.

The title says it all. June is a very difficult month for me. My birthday is June 7. June 14 is my dad and uncle's birthday. June 24 is my dad's death day. My dad died ten days after his birthday on June 24, 2000. My uncle (his twin) died on May 19, 2000. They both suffered massive heart attacks. My world was rocked in one month.

Sometimes, it is hard to believe that is has been 14 years. In some ways, it seems like yesterday. In others, it feels as though several lifetimes have passed. Do you know my dad never even saw me become confirmed, graduate 8th grade, graduate high school, or graduate college? He missed all of those things, and I miss him every day. Not just when the big stuff happens.

June 24, 2000 started out like any other day. My brothers and I and the neighborhood kids ran around like crazy people, playing in our pool. We ranged in age from 5-15. We always had a great time together. My dad spent the morning outside with us, but went into the house because he was tired and wanted to take a nap. My mom had called around 3:00, and my dad told her he was going to sleep. When my mom called back at 3:15, my dad was on the ground, not breathing. In a 15 minute window, he had a heart attack. My brother found him on the floor, and he was completely hysterical and devastated. I screamed for him to call 911 as my brothers and I got out of the pool. I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life.

When we finally had gotten a hold of 911, they wanted me to do CPR. My dad had foam in his mouth. I told them I couldn't do it. I was 12 years old and scared out of my mind. The 911 operator told me that it was okay, just to hold on until help could get there. They also said my mom was coming home from work. My dad had driven her to work that day, and she was stranded there. A coworker gave her a ride home. I remember feeling relieved that she was going to be there. However, when she got home, she ran across our lawn crying and yelling and I felt scared again. I knew something terrible had happened.

My mom went to the hospital with the ambulance and my brothers and I were sitting in our house, dumbfounded at what had happened. Our wonderful, amazing neighbors stayed with us to help us make phone calls and figure out what to do. My mom's parents met her at the hospital.

Our neighbors across the street, Jay and Vickie, took the three youngest boys to their house to calm down and play with the kids in order to keep them busy. My older brother and I sat with Jay after he came back and waited and worried. An hour or so later, my grandpa and grandma came into the house, looking extremely sad and upset. My grandpa sat my brothers and I at our dining room table and told us the news. "Your father is dead." I will never forget how I felt in that moment. I was sad, but I was completely heartbroken for my brothers and my mom. My grandpa told us little of the details. Just enough to hold off our questions for the night.

I had to call my dad's parents. They had just buried their son in May. And they were going to have to do it again. I remember calling my papa and he was so happy to hear my voice. I immediately choked up and couldn't talk to him. I handed the phone to our neighbor Jay, who delivered the heartbreaking news. He sat with me while I cried and continued to make phone calls to friends and family because my mom couldn't do it. My grandpa and Jay helped me do the hard things because I couldn't do it alone.

I finally sat down to eat something at about 8PM, and I ended up not eating anything and just laying with my mom while she cried. I have never felt so helpless in my life. The day we lost my dad plays over and over in my head. I always feel like I should have known or should have done something and maybe he would still be here. I know it's natural to feel guilty, but I'm just so sad about it a lot.

The next few days of funeral planning and visitation planning were hard. Family and friends try to help but what can they really say? There's nothing you can say to someone who has lost someone so dear to them. We want words to comfort and we hope words and actions do give some comfort, but it is hard to accept it at the time.

I am really sad during June. I was wondering why I have been so down lately, and I think this is part of the reason. I just really miss my dad. I miss his talking (we called him sir talks a lot), I miss his hugs, I miss his laugh, I miss his smell, I miss pretty much everything about him. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him and how much I miss having him in my life. I see so many daughters and dads and wish that I had that too. If I ever get married, I know that I will be sad knowing that he won't be there to share that day with me. Luckily I have a lot of brothers who I know would be more than willing to step in and do the daddy/daughter dance (but a brother/sister dance), but it's a special thing, the daddy/daughter relationship. I wish that I had that.

I just really, really miss him.

Mom and Dad at their wedding

Mom and dad at a dinner cruise in Chicago. 1999?

Dad and I just chillin'

Family photo before we had Zach. 

Dad and I opening presents.

Dad feeding the hungry girl

10 days before he died, my dad celebrated his birthday with all of us. This smile.

Scooby Doo cake made by our Tina.

Dad and Zach riding a horse one month before he died. I think her name was Strawberry.

 

Hard to believe that 4 people in this photo are now deceased. Uncle Rob, Julie, Chere, and Randy came to visit us the year my dad died. It was wonderful to see them. A neighbor took a picture of our whole family for us.

Dad celebrating his last Christmas. This present was a giant tool box we hid in my bedroom for 2 months.

Dad celebrating Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

Funeral announcement

Dad in high school.

Family. Maybe at Christmas? No idea. 

Dad in Colorado

Uncle Karl's wedding

Senior pictures

Toddler pictures

Dad and me muggin' for the camera.

Our family at The Monroe Diner - a family favorite place that is now out of business

Dad and Uncle Karl at the beach.

Dad and Uncle Karl at the beach again

20 year reunion 1998

It's been awhile.

When I started this blog, I had no idea what to write about. After all, there's a multitude of ridiculous and inspiring crap on the Internet right? Right. So I started writing about things while going through the alphabet. I only made it to "L" before giving up. Why did I do that? I actually really enjoyed writing these blog posts, even if no one else reads them. I like to put my thoughts down and get them in order. So, in an attempt to ease my mind, I'm going to start again, and be a blog writing girl once more.

Let's start with this: I'm all graduated! That's right. This girl worked extremely hard and managed to keep a 4.0 and graduate from college with a Master of Arts. COOL!

(Here I am, reluctantly letting my mother take a picture of me in my cap and gown before the ceremony.)

It's really funny. Imagining myself graduating with a master's degree was not something that I used to think about. In fact, I didn't even want to continue with my education. My adviser (bless her) told me that it would be a great opportunity for me. I did it. In a year and a half. Not too shabby. 

It's amazing how accomplished I felt...for a day. I felt like my life was going somewhere. I've identified myself with school for so long that it's strange to live a life without it. I have gone to school year round for the past 5 years. To go from that to having no school was (and is still) a huge adjustment for me. 

So what do I fill my time with now that I have no homework, no finals, no papers, no tests? I currently fill it with job (career) searching, family time, and watching new (and old) TV shows. Oh, and I read a lot of books now. I've read at least 1-2 books per week for the past month. I want to keep filling my head with knowledge, and I guess books are a good way to do that. Maybe I should become a book blog. Blog about my adventures with struggles to read classics (I get bored a lot) and my true love with books (young adult fiction and biographies). That's a thought. I will consider that. 

Back to the subject at hand - graduating. And feeling accomplished. And then feeling slightly worthless, like your degree has no meaning without experience. As kids, it is drilled into our brains that we need a college education to get a good job. If you don't have a college education, you're going to work a minimum wage job for the rest of your life. I want a career. I want something that makes me happy. I wish I knew what that type of job was. 

I see so many people with thousands of dollars in student loan debt who cannot find jobs. I'm so grateful that I have a job, that I'm not destitute. It's unfortunate that I feel like I'm on a time crunch because of student loan payback and how it starts 6 months after graduation. I feel like that is a lot of pressure on people who have just graduated, and have little experience. People with my degree are expected to make $60k or more in their first year on the job after graduation. To that I say...YEAH RIGHT! Funny how the world works, huh?

Sometimes, I think I went to school for the wrong thing. I also sometimes believe that I should have taken a year off to 'find myself' like some people do. Or that I would have worked harder to do a study abroad. I have a lot of 'what ifs' and 'wish I would haves' regarding schooling in general. I do an awful lot of thinking about things like that.

But you know what? It's not good to have regrets and continually wish you would have done things differently. Time to grow up and be an adult.

Until next time kids.